


"I miss you" doesn't really cover it

by Ikira



Series: Holy Shattrimony [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (a little bit), Dissociation, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Light Angst, M/M, Matt is mentioned but is not around in this one, Shiro is faithful to his husband damnit, Shiro is suffering in silence and we cannot have that anymore, the team finds out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 19:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7653841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikira/pseuds/Ikira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shiro knows that his team means well, but he really doesn't appreciate them trying to hook him up with a beautiful alien, considering that he's MARRIED. The problem is that they don't KNOW that. He hasn't been able to tell them yet, still reeling from his separation from his husband and his suffering at the hands of the Galra. Even though he knows they need to know, he can't make himself talk about it; it hurts too much.</p>
<p>But when he finally blurts it out, he's going to have to admit the whole truth to his team whether he wants to or not, no matter how much it's going to hurt him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I miss you" doesn't really cover it

**Author's Note:**

> I was prompted by @burningbright22 on tumblr to write an angsty sequel to the previous fic in this series. They wanted something where the rest of the team find out about Shiro and Matt's relationship. This fic fought me hard, but I hope it's still up to snuff. Thanks to cdocks (@ceedawkes on tumblr) for looking it over for me and making sure it wasn't too terrible XD

Sometimes Shiro really disliked being a paladin of Voltron.

This was one of those times. He had to bite back a grimace as yet another alien dressed in flowing silks came forward, offering to refill his glass with more of their potent drink that tasted like pomegranates but hit like whisky. He tried to wave the alien off, but they ignored him, pouring more of the ruby liquid into his overflowing cup.

Allura, who was sitting next to him in a place of honour, giggled as Shiro reluctantly took another sip. Her cheeks were bright pink, and her hair was starting to fall out of its bun, but Shiro was pretty sure she was more drunk on the festivities than the actual alcohol. She leaned over to him, giving him a sly smile.

“Don’t look now,” she whispered, her breath smelling of the sweet fruits they’d been eating, “but I think the young Duchess has taken quite an interest in you, Shiro.”

Even though she’d told him not to look, Shiro couldn’t help the way his eyes darted over to where the Duke’s young daughter was standing near the dance floor, surrounded by her ladies and servants. She was deep in conversation with one of her attendants, but when Shiro looked over, he caught her beetle-shell eyes turning towards him. He could feel the intensity of her gaze from across the banquet hall. Her people were supposedly insectoid, but her face was close enough to human that he recognized what that expression meant.

“Oh no,” Shiro muttered under his breath. He only meant for Allura to hear him, but Keith was sitting on his other side, and heard him as well. Keith glanced up.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, fingers resting lightly on his bayard. Even in the midst of a celebration, Keith was always on guard. He was the only one of them still armed after their victory; the rest of them had ditched their armor and weapons the moment the food had been served.

“Nothing,” Shiro quickly reassured him before he could do something reckless. “It’s nothing. Just…”

“The Duchess likes him,” Pidge said around a mouthful of food, so that it sounded more like, “’uh dushes likes ‘im.”

“Pidge, don’t talk with your mouth full,” Shiro scolded absently, more out of habit than any hope they’d actually listen.

Yet somehow Keith understood them, despite the food slurring their words. He immediately looked towards the Duchess, squinting at her suspiciously. “Is she going to be a problem?” he asked, already halfway out of his seat.

If Keith wasn’t about ten seconds from causing a diplomatic incident just hours after they’d managed to liberate the planet, Shiro would have been touched by his immediate willingness to defend Shiro’s honour. As it was, he just wasn’t in the mood to deal with Keith’s impulsiveness. He quickly grabbed Keith by the collar of his paladin armor and firmly pushed the younger man back down.

“It’s _fine_ ,” Shiro insisted. “Besides, it doesn’t matter if she’s interested, _I’m_ not. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Well,” Allura suddenly spoke, staring at the Duchess almost as intently as Keith had. “It _might_ matter. A little.”

“What?” Shiro asked flatly.

“Well, it’s just that,” Allura shrugged, “she _is_ the daughter of the Duke. And he’s the ruling leader of this entire planet. If you upset her, it may make it more difficult for us to deal with him.”

“Besides, what’s the matter with having a little fun?” Lance piped up from the other side of the table. His lips were stained red from the drink they were being served, and he was sagging heavily into Hunk’s side. Shiro made a mental note to ask the next server that came by to cut him off.

“It’s not appropriate,” Shiro insisted.

“ _You’re_ not appropriate,” Lance immediately spat back. They all ignored him.

“It’s…actually fine, Shiro,” Allura spoke then, reaching out and resting a hand on his arm. “You’ve been working yourself so hard, and you’ve done a marvelous job with leading your team of paladins. It’s perfectly alright for you to let go for an evening and just have some fun. There’s no code or rules against it.”

“And besides, she’s _hot_ ,” Lance blurted out, gesturing wildly towards the Duchess. His uncoordinated motion sent the rest of his drink splashing all over Hunk’s face.

“You think _everyone_ is hot,” Pidge muttered.

“I think he’s had enough,” Hunk said at the same time, using his napkin to clean his face. Despite being soaked with the liquid now, he barely looked phased. “Even if he hasn’t, _I’ve_ had enough.”

“Of the food? Or Lance?” Keith asked, smirking.

“Lance, obviously,” Hunk said with a dainty sniff. “As if I would ever refuse more of this stuff. The pastry-things were delicious.”

“We’ll save some for you,” Shiro promised as Hunk got to his feet, dragging Lance up with him by an arm slung over his shoulder with the air of long practice. Lance moaned and whined about leaving the party early, but Hunk deflected his complaints with casual aplomb, all the while half carrying Lance out of the banquet hall and back towards where the Castle of Lions had been parked.

The moment they were out of sight, Allura sighed.

“Honestly, Shiro. I’m starting to worry about you. You need to relax, take some time to enjoy yourself. If spending time in the company of the Duchess is what it takes, then - ”

“No, Allura,” Shiro cut her off quickly, fed up with the topic. “It wouldn’t be right.”

“Why _not_?” she asked, sounding exasperated. Shiro couldn’t help but notice that Pidge and Keith were watching him now too with curious looks. All of them wanted to know why he wasn’t interested. Why he was _never_ interested. This wasn’t the first time this conversation had come up, and Shiro was getting a little sick of it.

Knowing that it was the only way to end this once and for all, Shiro finally blurted it out. “I’m married.”

Dead silence at the table.

It took them nearly three ticks to recover, and it was Keith who spoke first. “You’re _what_?! Since _when?”_

_“_ To _who?”_ Pidge asked at the same time. Allura just made a strange gurgling sound, too surprised to manage words.

Even though he knew these questions were coming, Shiro still was caught off-guard. “I, uh, well…” He looked around at their expectant faces, and a cold sweat broke out over his skin. His throat seemed to close up. He had to tell them, but he just couldn’t make the words come out. That one name was stuck in his mouth, impossible to say.

“I…I have to go,” he finally managed to choke out, and he stood so abruptly from the table that he nearly knocked one of the servers over. He only paused long enough to make sure they were okay, and then he was rushing from the room.

His brain felt like it was stuffed full of cotton, and there was an odd buzzing in his ears, making it impossible for him to hear anything or anyone calling after him. He was sure that several of the aliens that he passed as he stalked through the halls on the way back to the Castle of Lions tried to speak to him, but he couldn’t make out the sounds. Time passed in a blur, and all too soon he had made it to his room on the castleship, and had shut the door behind him. Only once it was locked did he feel like he could breathe normally again. He pressed his sweaty forehead against the cool metal of his bedroom wall and focused on trying to get back what little control over himself he had left.

It took a very long time.

+++

He didn’t emerge from his room until the next morning, when he felt the rumble of the engines start up and he knew they were well on their way back out into the stars. A part of him felt a bit guilty - it was probably very rude of him to not be there to say goodbye to the Duke and his people at their departure - but it was a very small part. A much larger part was glad he hadn’t had to deal with any of the diplomacy and handshaking that was sure to have happened. He didn’t think he was up for it.

But he knew he couldn’t hide forever. So grudgingly he dressed and left his room, heading for the kitchen. Maybe everyone else would still be recovering from the festivities and he’d be able to grab something to eat in peace.

No such luck. The moment he walked into the room, Allura looked up from her bowl of breakfast, blinking at him in surprise with her spoon halfway to her mouth. Shiro couldn’t help but snort at the sight, despite the sinking feeling in his stomach.

“Good morning, princess,” Shiro greeted her cautiously, giving her a slight nod. He immediately headed towards the panels on the wall so that he could start punching in an order for his own breakfast. Maybe he could grab his food and escape before she thought to say anything.

It did end up taking a moment for Allura to recover, but when she did, she abruptly slammed her spoon down on the table and stood up. “Shiro! I’m so sorry,” she blurted out. “I had no idea, I swear to you, otherwise I never would have said anything, I promise!”

Biting back a sigh, Shiro abandoned the idea of getting his food and disappearing back to his room. Ah well, better to get this over with sooner than later.

“It’s fine, princess,” he told her wearily. “Honest. There was no way you could have known.”

“Still,” she said, her fingers clenched into nervous fists. “I shouldn’t have pushed the issue. I am terribly sorry.”

“Like I said, it’s fine,” Shiro insisted. “Now you know. Now _everyone_ knows. So…” He didn’t know how to finish that sentence, so he just trailed off. The two of them stood there a moment, trapped in an awkward silence, neither knowing what to say next.

Finally, Shiro turned away from the kitchen’s many buttons and screens, and started heading back out of the room. He’d somehow lost his appetite.

But before he could leave the room, he felt a slim hand land on his arm, the one of flesh and blood. The grip was feather-light, but it still stopped him in his tracks.

He didn’t dare look back at her.

“Shiro? Is your…is she…where is your wife?” she asked, her voice hesitant and soft, like she was speaking to a spooked animal. Shiro kind of felt like one at the moment.

“Husband,” he corrected automatically. “And I don’t know anymore.”

And then he walked out of the room without looking back. He’d definitely lost his appetite.

+++

He should have known that wouldn’t be the end of it. Not even a week later, it came up again. This time Lance was the one to breach the subject.

Privately Shiro was a little amazed it had even taken this long. He was sure Allura must have said something to everyone to get them to back off; that was the only reason he could think of why he wasn’t immediately bombarded with questions. But even the princess’ wrath wasn’t enough to stave off their curiosity forever, so Lance finally bit the bullet and asked the question while they were all relaxing together in the ship’s main lounge after yet another skirmish with the Galra.

“Shiro?” The cautious way that Lance spoke was an immediate red flag for Shiro - Lance never spoke like that. He was always brash and loud, without any filter.

Knowing what must be coming, Shiro’s eyes slid closed and he sighed deeply. “Yes, Lance?”

Lance winced at Shiro’s aggravated tone, but pushed forward regardless, his curiosity dominating his reluctance to upset Shiro. It probably helped that everyone else had suddenly gone still, their attention completely turned towards the two of them. They knew what was coming just as much as Shiro did. “Who’s your husband? Why don’t you ever talk about him?”

Husband, not wife. Allura had definitely talked to them, then. He didn’t know if he should be grateful or not.

He paused for a long time, debating about whether he would answer Lance or not. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that sooner or later they’d have to know. Especially Pidge.

His eyes flickered over to where the youngest member of their team was seated on the end of the lounge’s couch, supposedly tinkering with what had once been an Altean toy. But their amber eyes were focused intently in Shiro’s direction, waiting to hear what he said.

Pidge deserved to know, Shiro decided. He’d tell them for Pidge. Even though he was pretty sure they’d be furious for keeping it a secret for so long. For Pidge. Tell them for Pidge.

“It’s Matt. Matt Holt.”

He almost choked on the name again. It had been so long since he’d managed to say it; even in his nightmares it had hurt too much. But he needed to say it, they needed to know. Pidge needed to know. So he forced it out, even though it tore at his throat and made him want to cough. And now they knew.

The room was completely still as they all tried to digest what he’d just told them. And then there was a loud smash as the Altean toy tumbled to the ground and shattered. Pidge was across the room and standing in front of Shiro, their entire body shaking, before it even hit the floor.

“ _What did you just say?”_ they hissed, eyes flashing with a mix of rage, disbelief, and sorrow.

“It happened while we were prisoners,” Shiro explained, somehow completely calm. He felt like he was a million miles away from this conversation, like he was watching himself speak from outside his own body, like he wasn’t even in control of himself. The words seemed to flow without his conscious thought - now that they’d been started, they were impossible to stop.

“Your dad was there. We had done something, some exchanging of belongings that was apparently a very common marriage tradition for aliens, I don’t really remember.” He was speaking almost in monotone, but he was so trapped in that feeling of being outside of himself that he hardly noticed. “We didn’t do it on purpose; had no idea what it meant. It didn’t matter. The rest of the prisoners saw, and they started getting really excited. They were so _happy_ for us. We were going to correct them, but your dad pointed out that this was the first good thing that had happened in the prison since we got there. So we didn’t. We just…went with it.”

“…so you’re not _actually_ married?” Hunk spoke up quietly, reluctant to draw too much attention to himself with the atmosphere of the room so charged.

“No, we are. We _are,_ ” Shiro insisted, a little bit more life bleeding back into his voice, just a tiny bit. “We didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t _want_ to. It was…it was…it was real,” he finished lamely, but firmly. “It was real to me. As far as I’m concerned, we’re married. He’s my husband.”

The others went quiet for a moment, thinking over what he’d told them. Allura and Coran were nodding sagely at him; clearly both of them had an idea of what the marriage tradition Shiro had spoken of might be. Keith looked thoughtful, Hunk looked sad and sympathetic, and Lance just looked confused.

But Pidge was still standing there in front of him, their body so tense it looked like they were ready to snap.

“You were married to my brother this _whole time_ and you didn’t _tell me_ ?!” Pidge snarled, the glare on their glasses making it impossible for Shiro to see their eyes properly. “You didn’t say one _goddamn thing?!”_

_“_ No, I didn’t,” Shiro said, “and I’m sorry. I know, I know, I should have told you the moment I knew who you were, but I…I couldn’t.”

“ _Why. Not."_ they bit out between clenched teeth.

“It…it hurt. It hurt so much.” Suddenly it all became too much and Shiro was forced to hunch in on himself, burying his face in his hands. The cool metal of his Galra arm helped to ground him in the moment, but it was also a painful reminder of everything he had been through, especially with the current topic. “It hurt _too_ much.”

Taking a shuddering breath in, he forced himself to speak. Pidge deserved to know, he repeated over and over in his mind. Pidge deserved to know. “I promised him that we’d have a proper wedding when we got back to Earth. I promised him that I’d never leave him, that I’d protect him. I promised him _so many things_ , things I don’t even _remember_ anymore!”

He was on his feet before he’d even realized he’d gotten up, and he started pacing the floor as he tried to work off the jittery energy under his skin. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him as he paced, but he couldn’t stop moving, feeling like if he stopped he might just collapse on the floor like a wind-up toy that had run out of power. If he stopped moving he wouldn’t have the energy to do this, to say these things, ever again. And he _needed_ to say it.

Pidge deserved to know.

He ran his flesh and blood hand through his hair, tugging at it in agitation. “You have to know, I remember _so little_ from that time, I remember almost _nothing_ , just little flashes here and there. But I remember him. I remember him so easily. Every moment we were together, I can still see clearly in my head. I remember that moment, our wedding, every second of it. I remember what he means to me, what he _is_ to me” - the fingers in his hair tightened to the point of hurting - “because he’s important, because he’s _mine,_ he’s my _husband,_ and I _loved him,_ I _still_ love him and I _left him,_ I _lied_ to him, _I hurt him, I left him behind, I - ”_

He was cut off when he felt something slam into him from behind. He tensed, feeling slim arms wrap around him, pale fingers clutching at his shirt and a face pressed between his shoulders. He was suddenly aware that his face was wet, that he’d been crying. When had he started crying?

“Stop,” Pidge commanded him with a shuddering voice, their grip on him tightening. “Please stop. I get it. I get it, just…stop.”

Pidge wasn’t the only one there with him. As he came back into awareness, he looked around to find himself completely surrounded by the rest of his team. They were all staring at him with various expressions of pain and sorrow, and both Hunk and Allura were crying.

“Shiro,” Keith murmured mournfully, reaching out and resting a hand on Shiro’s shoulder.

“Oh god, Shiro, I’m so sorry,” Lance said. “ _So_ sorry.”

One after the other they all approached him, touching him, holding him, letting him know they were there for him. Each touch made him feel a bit warmer, a bit more alive again. As they offered their comfort, he started to feel like the pain his heart was a bit lesser. Not gone, never gone so long as he and Matt were apart. But not as crushing as it once was.

After a moment, he felt them all start to pull away, drifting towards the doorway, leaving one by one. Until it was just him and Pidge, who was still clinging to his back. He could feel them crying against him, shaking with the force of their sobs.

“I miss him,” Pidge eventually choked out, voice thick with tears. “I miss _them_.”

“I know,” Shiro whispered. “I _know_.”

“Promise me we’re going to get them back,” they growled. “ _Promise me_.”

“I promise,” Shiro said. “I promise we’re going to get _our_ family back.”

He felt Pidge go still behind him as his words hit them. “Our family?” they repeated, almost with wonder.

“Yes. Our family. You and I are family now, you know that, right?” He dared to glance over his shoulder. Blotchy red eyes peered back up at him.

“You’re…my brother,” Pidge said slowly, as the realization hit. “You’re my _brother-in-law_. Holy crap, that’s weird.”

Despite feeling completely emotionally wrung-out, Shiro managed to laugh at that. “Yeah, it kind of is. But it’s a good weird, right?” He turned around, finally making the one-way cling into a proper hug. With Pidge’s face now buried into his chest instead of his back, he could rest his chin on top of their fluffy head.

“Yeah. A good weird,” Pidge agreed, readjusting their grip on him with their new position.

“We’re going to get them back,” Shiro said one more time. “And when we do, we can have a proper wedding, just like Matt deserves. You can help out, if you want.”

“Yeah,” Pidge murmured quietly. A tentative hope was growing between the two of them, weak and fragile, but there. They were both determined to see this through. To finally bring Matt home. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”


End file.
